It goes by so fast

What are we doing here? What are we looking for? What is the meaning of all this? Our lives have become so self-consumed and I am not just talking about the worldly people that walk after the lusts of this world. Although this would apply to them, I am actually talking about Christians. I take that back; I am not talking about Christians... I am talking about myself. What are my motives for what I do? Who am I serving?

It’s hard to admit this, but sometimes I look at my children and see something I have never seen before. Whether it’s a laugh I didn’t know my 2 year old girl had. A thought I didn’t know my soon to be 4 year old son was capable of. A beauty in the eyes, much like her mother’s; that I didn’t know my 8 year old daughter had. Or the maturity of my first born 13 year old son that I lacked well into adulthood. All of these things fly at me and make me ponder, what are my priorities? I would love to say they are as so: God, then family, then my ministry, than work. However sometime I think I deceive myself and really the world still owns me. Is it really all about me still?

It’s funny when I was little I thought adults were like super heroes. They had it all together, especially parents. Now I realize parents are simply this; they are people with kids. I would love to say that because I am so busy in Bible study, prayer and meditation that those things slip past me. But right now I wonder if I am not the same level as the man who completely abandons all that love him to spend every free moment of his at the local tavern because he is only focused upon himself.

Yes I do trust in Christ. I hold Bible studies with my children. We get on our knees and pray to God as a family. I share my faith with strangers. I quit my job, in faith, not knowing how I will feed my family in the future to give more time to ministry work. I spend time writing blogs, giving The Gospel to strangers, handing out tracts, and sharing my faith with people. I will help anyone at any time hoping it will glorify my heavenly father. What does that amount too?

Sorry to indulge myself in a serious self-examination in this public setting, but I wonder if we can’t all benefit from some serious pondering of what we are doing and why. If I was truly serving The Lord wouldn’t I have been able to enjoy and appreciate these treasures that seem to slip by me? And not just these things but many more: my wife’s abilities to run this household, the want of my parents to see their son and grandchildren more, the needs of so many people that I come in contact with every day. If I was not so self-absorbed in the needs of Paul, couldn’t I be doing a better job in serving The Lord and therefore meeting the needs of those around me and appreciating the blessings He has given me?

Lord I pray you give me the ability to truly step outside of this world. To have an appreciation that I, Paul Merkt, am serving The Creator of all the Heavens and Earth. Help me understand the depth of your love toward me. Help me realize that you are in control of everything and truly know what is best for me. Help me to hand the reigns over to You and let me see how silly it is for me to try to work the bit in my mouth when you are willing to do it!

Maybe when I am not so consumed with myself, with this world, with my worldly needs; I will be able to better appreciate all the amazing gifts you have given me. Maybe, Lord willing, I will understand this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with You. Then I will be able to truly appreciate the gifts and purpose you have bestowed upon me. In the meantime I thank-you for your patience, longsuffering, forgiveness and the love that you have for me, Paul, a lowly servant; that You keep close to You despite my will.

Keep me in Your care for Your Name’s sake. I will ruin it on my own.